This is a rare occurrence, thankfully, but it’s still a pet peeve of mine.  I’m a fast and thorough eater, and once in a while a waiter while make some “clever” off-handed comment about how I cleaned the plate.  “Good job”, or “you must have enjoyed that” or something similar.

My reaction to these kinds of comments is not to flush with pride; I am not a four-year-old beaming at his parents’ attention.  No, I’m an adult who is now embarrassed by your comment.  Yes, literally embarrassed to have enjoyed your restaurant’s food.  Should I have eaten less?  Left a token half-potato for the kitchen staff to marvel at?

Do your customers usually leave their plates half full?

I was immediately struck by the thought that Kate would never say something like that.  Because, awesomely, she doesn’t have an expectation for me to “be gentlemanly”.

Of course I act with kindness, politeness, and respect towards her, but the difference is that I do it out of, well, respect.  And love.  I don’t “act like a gentleman” — that’s just going through the motions, doing what is expected, and being conscientious of neither the motivations for, nor the effects of, your actions.

If anything, the place for being a gentleman is outside of your relationship.  When you’re with people with whom you don’t have strong ties, then “acting like a gentleman” is by far the best course of action.  Those rules for interaction are an important shorthand for human relationships.  But if you’re still using that shorthand to navigate your closest relationships, then something is missing.
It is wonderful to continue discovering ways in which our relationship is unique, powerful, and unconstrained.

(Kate would like to add that she is always lady-like.)